On April 6th and 7th Scott recorded almost eight hours of audio addressed to ‘his doctors.’ He doesn’t identify the doctors, but does state that he had given up on his GP, so I assume he was not one of them.

Scott had spent the past few months doing several thousand searches on his various symptoms, watching a lot of videos, and reading research papers. He reached the conclusion that he had Asperger’s Syndrome and several other conditions.

The main point of the recording was to explain his mental and physical condition and rapid decay, and to offer himself up as a research subject. If his condition couldn’t be cured, or at least improved, he didn’t think he would be able to lead a reasonable life.

I transcribed these recordings, which totaled around 80 pages. The following is an overview, containing samples from several of the recordings. At some point I may make the audio recordings and the full transcriptions available for download.

Overview of Audio Transcriptions

This is an overview of about seven and a half hours…about 80 transcribed pages…of audio that Scott recorded early in May 2018.

180401_002

OK, this is to my doctors here…<laugh>…so we can figure out how I can go forward with all this stuff.

180406_001

I want to be a research subject for Asperger’s Syndrome, and possibly the addition of the emotional shut-down thingy, and how that effects it where I can’t…I can’t recall. My visual memory is gone…when not stimulated by what I’ll call adrenaline type talk once I get rolling and going.

I want to find the solution, not find a fit that makes me feel good.

The way I see it is my attributes and faults…you know, thinking faults (laughs a bit) and social faults. It’s been incredibly explained by Asperger’s Syndrome, or Aspies, which I’ll use probably more often. And I am very proud to be an Aspie, because it explains my life.

(Learning about this earlier) would have helped me out…with …explaining why I was awkward socially, why I insult people by accident…because I’m more concerned about the data, not the people I’m around and with at the time.

09:42

So, I have a tendency to discount people, because of that. Because…I really didn’t know, and now I know. So that’s a very helpful reason it would have been good if I learned to slow down and try to let other people contribute too.

And I’ll tell you my feelings as I go, about my mind and my thinking process, and my … … this void. This blank memory. This … I have a hard time picking words. And emotionally…these are emotional type … well, maybe they aren’t emotional. Descriptive words.

So, this tape is not only to hope to convince some researcher to …to…go ahead and take me on as a subject. And to be honest…like I said, I’m having a hard time seeing my logical future if I can’t fix this problem.

I’m an Aspie but I’ve run my own company. I’m kind of unique that way. I’ve had…I have a whole discussion on that. How I succeeded and did things without support. Which now I realize that …I had protective bubbles, and I will talk about that.

I had a protective bubble that took me around the world differently. And different structures of bubbles, but otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to…and I knew that. Well I didn’t know it at the time. What I meant was that … I missed a lot of business opportunities because I couldn’t do that…I wouldn’t go after a contract or I wouldn’t go after …things that I would feel closed in. I mean, a bubble sounds closed in, but it is actually the reverse, to be honest. It lets you think freely. So when I say closed in, to the average person they would think if they were in a bubble they were closed in. But the way I look at it a bubble is clear…so I’m inside protected and I can still see the outside world. So that is a perspective that is quite good. Cause, you know, you are free to roam…and the other thing is…I’m just doing some good… … I forget those words where you … … almost had it…analogy. A bubble floats around and that is kind of what I was doing. I had a bubble, it was clear, and depending on what client, corporation, even the military…things like that. When I would …could…move to a spot and I had a protective bubble supplied by my clients and it was all my clients, not my company. My company didn’t have the structure to bubbleize. The reason for that is that I didn’t have a right-hand man…or a person. Sorry. In fact, I get along with women better than I do with men anyway. Because men have egos and they are always a bit tough. But if you have a right-hand person it’s …male or female in a structure…which to be honest most of them were men. (chuckles)

21:52

That…I called them champions in the customers. Someone who was believing in me, and I believed in them. And we could get the job done. Like at Shell Oil Company I had such a person. He wasn’t assigned to me…we just sort of flowed together and that made it all happen. The Australian Navy had a Lt. Commander that was my protective bubble. In reality they … it was the person within the infrastructure … that allowed me to have the protective bubble. They looked after me. Even though I didn’t ask for it. It was strange. I think everyone knew I needed it…and always kept close to me and never made me …corporate-structure-claustrophobic…that kind of thing. Again, either I got lucky or it’s …there are some good people out there and they figured it out.

37:55

Yeah…the thing with this void memory…blank memory…empty memory… or brain. I got this feeling…kind a little bit over time…I’m not sure how far back that goes. Before the hospital stay, or before the infection, or after the infection in my jaw. Or earlier.

49:06

That’s basically it. I seem to figure things out differently…figure the solutions out, mostly.

In my company…I’m a one-man band. If I had…if I had someone working for me I more than could have paid their wages, and maybe I should have. But then I would have to manage them and I’m not good at managing people. So that is a Catch-22 when it comes to that.

51:18

I could have made money by hiring an employee, but by the same token I’m just not good at managing people. I manage ideas, not people, So… anyway…yeah, I could have just delegated. I just get nervous organizing the receipts, you know, which would be the start of what’s needed.

…

Computer programming is a totally different thing. I spent a life-time typing on the computer with computer programs. But I think differently …it models differently because I’m dealing with computer language and I’m dealing with jumping around because I’ll fix one thing in one part of a program and jump to another part of the program…it’s one continuous document, is the best way to think of it. Even though there are multiple files, it’s one big system of files and stuff and you jump from one spot to the other. Where yes you can kind of simulate that in a document. Because you have different paragraphs that you can change and stuff. But it’s a lot harder because if you go change a paragraph the information you put in might change the context of a sentence in the middle and then you have to rephrase the whole paragraph to meet that new piece and re-write the whole thing and it makes it much more difficult. Where in computer code a lot of times you are tweaking it rather than replacing it. And you don’t have to have …contextual change flow, you just have procedural flow, which is different. Because computers are all about procedural. And also, the other reason that you can jump around on the computer is you have functions and routines and they might be only 10 to 20 lines long. So, you are only fiddling with a small portion. In the text the function above and below has nothing to do with what you are doing in the middle, because it is a totally different function…it’s encapsulated differently.

58:42

So …in computer code you can jump around all you want. It is almost … a good analogy to how a version of the brain-thinking that I do works…is…bouncing between files, and then bouncing between functions within the files. So that’s a couple dimensions. but then you have other dimensions that support that. Which is the devices and other things that start adding dimension to it. And complexity. So, writing on computer, code is easier to track. It’s easier in my mind and my brain to do. Where textural paragraphs and words and all that…I mess up…I just can’t do it. I mess up on lists and stuff.

…

1:22:02

So …anyway…the …uh…I get this grinding and then my eyes don’t match up with my head movements. And that causes a big problem here, and I’m just now thinking on all that.

…

the void didn’t just show up three, four …five weeks ago…six weeks…whatever it is. I first noticed it back in August…September? September, I think it was. I first noticed it then. In the hospital there. Where I knew it was a problem. And it seemed to cap off with an event…with the drugs. But I’m not saying anything that it was the drugs or not. But there was a major thing that happened after taking the drug…when they bumped it up to two milligrams, I think it was. And… instantly…within…I’d already had a couple days of the lower, so it was just a bigger dose of it hitting. That…I had this numbness in my head and it coincided with a number of other things…the look on my face, which …I definitely…it had that tense feeling…little tense type feeling. Ummm…I thought…and there was nothing else in the hospital that I did that would have…no stress points or no …nothing else.

1:30:19

And… you know I would sit in the chairs and stuff like that and there was just this void…there was nothing…it…it.  But that’s when I first noticed it…it doesn’t mean I didn’t have it before. But what I am saying is what it might have done is accelerated it. And… especially…now …in retrospect, when I think of how I’m thinking now and what I can’t do…is what they seem to indicate to me what it was used for. And yet what they told me what it did is that they said that basically if it was true and it wasn’t made up in your head, it would let the truth out.

…

1:52:54

The…umm… …oh…like…I remember the boat I was on the most was called the Aquarius. And I just physically cannot visualize anything of it. I know a definition of a boat. But I can’t personalize it to a boat that I was on. I know a boat has a deck…a back deck, a wheel house. It has propellers, and all that. But I can’t see those in my own experiences. I’m at the part I can’t springboard off of. And it’s really, really scary. I’m…and again if I don’t stimulate with this talk…this is the first time I’ve done this…on the tape here, by the way. It’s helped out a lot, but it hasn’t helped my visual stuff. It’s…still not working.

…

2:05:50

I can’t daydream now. I used to stand in the corner and drift off, you know how you do…think of a project and then get stirred and Oh! Yeah! And I was thinking of something, designing something. There was always something you were thinking of. I can’t do that anymore. It just doesn’t happen. I end up staring, naturally, you sort of get…drift off that way. But nothing in my head now…just nothing. And it’s …same with sleep. I really don’t think I’m dreaming. It’s…I’ve had a few wake-ups in the …what I suspect is the middle of a dream, and it’s nonsense. It’s not even associative. It’s, it’s, it’s…like a random page of a photo album of objects.

…

2:09:10

All my life I’ve had…which I knew as circadian rhythm and diurnal rhythms, and stuff like that. Back in the day there was a lot of medical knowledge…or documentation is a better term…for … what they now call…which I’m guessing is the same…non-24-hour sleep/wake disorder of things.

…

2:16:27

Ummm… back, back. This is time sequencing (laugh). Ummm …for right now I can’t do either. I can’t do time sequencing and then scale back to a known time…and date. Then work forward and back …to eliminate what it’s not, to end up with what it is. And that kind of stuff. Oh no… spatial, spatial, spatial…ummm…and… but spatial is really, really gone.

…

2:20:58

So… I’m really struggling, trying to figure out how I can be useful. And still use my aspie-type brain. Still don’t…I haven’t been analyzed as it. The whole thing is I’m worried not by getting analyzed…if I don’t get this cognitive memory figured out, which I know aspies are all about…cognitive and social awkwardness and stuff. I still have the social awkwardness, (laughs) I don’t have the cognitive … in fact, I’m worried because I don’t have the cognitive stuff…I seem to be worse at the social. I… I’m…I’m less aware of…things I used to be quite aware of because as I talked before … I’m an aspie that was thrown in the business world, by my own thing…I had my own business. It’s not like I was working for a big company in a protective bubble, like they have programs now to do. I started a business and I’m doing the day to day stuff sometimes and like I said I’m…I didn’t know I was an Aspie, but like I said…I don’t know if I said…but I’m proud to be an Aspie…I’m glad…I wanted to know earlier.   This is…I’m excited about being an aspie. Because makes my first…the first 60 years of my life …explains everything…that…I stressed over the 60 years about.

…

2:38:08

That’s the key thing. This is really good actually. Ahh…I’m glad I’m doing this part. I just want to get rid of the other part. uhhh…I haven’t lost it. I haven’t lost everything. So, this is good. So, I’m envisioning now. And this is … this is really good. But this is a physical item. Ahhh…this is a point. That’s the point. Cause I can’t do it to ummm…well currently haven’t …so maybe we’ll trial that out. I currently haven’t been able to do that on virtual things. Like computer code, or you know…things that are running into the computer yet. You know, thinking now like a network. What’s going over the network is a virtual memory. You don’t see packets and you don’t see data. You know the wires…you know the physical servers. But the virtual thinking has to be all visual. there is nothing. You can’t even see it in the real world. You can’t visualize electrons for instance. You can’t visualize … the concept of a packet, because that is just a different of an object, of electron flow. And multiple channels are just multiple wires in a cable, so you got channels which are virtual cause they can go on any wire, so it doesn’t matter, but you still have to think about it.

2:39:33

And it might go out through a satellite, so it is in the air digitally, and it has to be encrypted and it has to be decrypted, and it has to go through switches, and thinking of that whole bundle of stuff. I can think of the physical, like I’m talking to you, but trying to figure out the virtual is a lot more difficult. And maybe I will get to talking this way. Cause like I said…this tape recorder might really work. To get me talking of concepts…to get my brain working again. Or at least know I haven’t lost it…and that’s a different point. So that I mean right now I know I haven’t lost … that part of my thinking of brain.

…

2:41:28

But I can’t…the other thing is you can’t put into words…I stumble all over words where I wouldn’t necessarily stumble …  with a flow…while I’m speaking, because… internally… because… … How am I going to put it? It….you have the visual…I’m in words trying to describe something visual, whereas in the visual world … it’s already visual, so I don’t have to. I’m racing down things, you know, I’m looking at everything. Not just…the equipment this and that. I’m looking at everything in it, all at once.

…

2:47:52

And my brain has caused it…come to that. And that’s why I want to experiment with you guys, to see if it is an environmental thing that’s causing it…the shut-down. And again, how they describe these people, might be in the same situation…where they weren’t in a …you know …their intellect was one way, and their surroundings were different. And I say surroundings as some of them…(struggles for next word) then again…the Silicon Valley is one thing and being a …country farm is another. And there’s other scenarios all over the place. And if I can get this void back…get it working…through…intellectual stimulation…I think that could be some research.

…

2:52:30

Is that … giving those people two programs. One to get them functional for that, which I think you guys have a lot of already. But to do an employment-type setup and do that. And about three days after I had that revelation of, you know, getting them …getting industry and companies to realize that …I found out that you already have a company that does that.

That…ummm…Richard Branson has some money…has invested in and stuff. And that was exciting to me…it wasn’t that they took my idea…I have no problem with that. I’m glad there is one of those out. And I might look at joining up on that, to find purpose.

…

Because I guarantee you, if I was … if I was…assessed as Asperger’s Syndrome four or five years ago, let’s say, and I got in a predicament with what I did and had to go to the hospital for five weeks. I wouldn’t be in that predicament, because they would have assessed me totally different with the view as an adult Asperger’s…that all of the things I was talking about saying, my mannerisms, and my body language were going to be different.

…

So my body language is all over the place and I can understand and see why the NHS people all thought, basically, I was lying or dishonest or you know, something that wasn’t truthful in one way or another. And that hurt me really bad because everything I’ve always told them was my feelings and facts and truth and everything else. And the thing is I…I… it’s their job to look at body language. Because most of these people in the hospital are silent. When they have problems, they don’t say much. So everything is in about body language. So, I understand that…I have no problem with that.

2:56:12

It’s just that they read my signals as confusing or wrong for a situation that I said I’m thinking of never doing, and it doesn’t match what my body language says. So it’s got me all kinds of trouble and confused those guys so much …like I said…I have no qualms with them. They’re doing their job…they’re doing their job right. It’s just we had a complicated situation, a complicated person, and also on top of that had Asperger’s and had … and gave them the worldly travel stuff, I mean it’s lots of difference. So…I think …you guys, as researchers, could learn from me because of that.

…

2:57:18

Because I don’t see how I am going to get out of this situation. Because I know myself. I know what services and programs are out there for normal people. And I wouldn’t survive those. I have to be a participant. I have to be active with my brain. Oh show extra purpose. Not for myself…not selfishness. For others. For other things going forward. So I’m really hoping we can do something here and I’m glad because I haven’t missed a word here…I haven’t. I’m doing good. Oh Wow! (laugh) I’m uhhh…I’m doing self-repair here…I don’t know. We’ll try this thing out more.

…

3:12:17

Because I want to be the student, I want to be the study, I want to be the …active environment. Because I want to get this brain thing figured out. This void…I have to get that.

…

3:15:07

Right now I’m…again, I’m getting ideas …it’s coming from me out in a flow. It’s the others I need to figure out how to do. Because every time I’m in an interaction right now, with limited amount of people, I’m messing up on that. It’s not working. And …but…let’s go back to the old days when I was … really sharp and good…I still don’t remember the people who were around giving me the ideas. I remember all the ideas, the functions, the flow, everything my ears heard, but I don’t remember the people. And that upset some people bigtime. Because …I ran across a few people …from my past and, you know, I didn’t remember them there. So, I would talk about things as though they weren’t there because in my mind I didn’t know who was there.

3:16:09

And it really … …took them, and in fact they got very upset. And I didn’t even notice them getting upset. Until later. And it was… … very, very, very uncomfortable, you might say. And again, I’m not gonna ever get that back, that’s always there. I don’t remember who’s there. It’s just I don’t remember.

…

It’s the recall that gets me. Because it’s a spontaneous thought, and I don’t have the visuals for that spontaneous thought, to get that. So, my big problem here … big big big big time…is when someone asks me a question.

3:20:39

I can’t…I freeze…I can’t get it out. I just … it’s…it just will not work right. Unless it’s something I’m expecting. I’m at the till at the store and they’re going to say Do you want a bag? And do you have a credit card. Those things, which are well-practiced, I can do. But sometimes if they ask something else, I just freeze. I’m, I’m that bad. I’m spooked by it.

…

3:26:32

So, I’m in a very unique …and I like to think I’ve coped with it quite well…situation…that is a lot of lessons learned that you guys could be aware of at least, and hopefully come up with programs to help people or identify people that could use the help. All those kinds of scenarios. And …that would be very, very good if we could do that. I’ gad I’m having this talk. This is really good. This has helped me out a lot. But I’m still by myself. So…I…I’m still not sure how to move forward on this, Because again, I’m having a hard time describing to my current GP which I’ve given up hope on…proving I have a void. It’s like…you can’t prove I don’t have a void. (laughs) Or prove that I have a void, either way. And he doesn’t know the anguish I’ve been, and neither do you yet. I haven’t even told you that yet…the absolute anguish until I got this micro…this this speaker, this this um voice recorder.

…

3:30:18

But anyway, I have to figure out that. I don’t know how to get out of that. And when I’m walking…it’s like I…(stutters) I want to look…when I’m walking around I … …It’s not that I want to look…it’s I … … not disinterested… not… unconcerned maybe? I don’t know. … Can’t think of it. (kind of groan) Ummm… … We’ll have to lose that train of thought because I can’t think of where I was going with it. ummm…Well, anyway. I hate it when I do that. Anyway. Where to go next. Ummm. ummm…(long pause) shit…I’m having a hard time thinking of something that … … almost anything. But trying to narrow it down to something inspiring, like the last conversation. (sigh) I think I need to get some water…it’s getting a bit hoarse here. ummm…yeah, I think I’ll do that. I’ll get some water and end this tape here.

<end>

180407_002

OK, after that last message I went downstairs to the dogs and was getting their food ready and I was happy I did that message there. But the next time I thought about it the only thing I could remember was the name Bill Gates. That was the only thing I could remember from what I just did.

Like 15 minutes ago or whatever. I’m trying to…oh shit…I’m trying <pause and sigh> I can’t think of anything here. So … I can’t. <big sigh> I know I had some good ideas. About Aspie…programs…or something. But I can’t remember the content.

<sighs and long pause> Oh geeze, geeze. Oh shit, Umm…

I just can’t think…I….<heavy breathing> I’m in the other room…I’m looking around to see if it does anything for me, but I can’t think of anything. Ummm…Shit….Ohhh. Gotta fix this. I’m not going to be able to be worth anything here. I’m not….

Oh damnit. Ahh Shit. I’m never going to get fixed, am I? <very long pause with sighs> Oh, I do recall…Um…I thought of Facebook, but I don’t know if I talked about that. Not Facebook, but Zuckerberg. Maybe I’m just remembering this because I know that Aspies…ah…I can’t think. I really can’t. I really, really can’t. That’s why I am doing this tape. It is hard to describe what I am going through. I’m frustrated.

I’m sitting up. Maybe I will lay down and see if that goes better. I will pause for a second. <pause at 5:20>

I’ve been lying here for a while and I can’t remember anything. Other than what I just said seconds ago…Bill Gates…Zuckerberg…something about …. really good programs…good place for Aspies. But I can’t remember what they were. It was quite inspired I remember Ohhhhh….Ummm.

I’ve gotta figure this void stuff out. It’s just… along with this…again I’m hoping it is stress related. Just if I de-stress. I have high anxiety because of this. It’s self-building, isn’t it. It’s going to …xxx I remember always thinking about the progression of it…and I didn’t take note of it. I don’t remember how many days back it was…weeks…A lot of the …ummm…sigh…A lot of the things that happened since all this is ….ummm…all this…sigh…remember days from now back…to remember major…its faded too quickly. It’s just too quick. Every day. When I went to the doctor’s office….ummm…it is hard to …I must have forgot when I was there last…it was before Easter…before….ahhh…it was a Wednesday, Thursday, Friday…latter part of the week…because the other time we met was…further back. I’m not good on time right now…sequence.

Those physical things …those are weeks ago…today is…what is today? Wait a second here…. it’s the Saturday after Easter, early in the morning…one-something in the morning. Ahhh…So it would have been a week and a day ago…. Yeah… I remember going there…I remember some of the events…I remember xxxx at the door. I remember that one and a few of the others. I anguished over lots of things that I need to straighten out what I said…that’s been grinding through my mind, so a few of those items I remember. Only because I always get upset when I say things real time and then realize that oh you could have taken it that way or it didn’t come out right and it is really frustrating. So I remember those points. I remember…I have a few points I remember because I forced myself to try to remember. And I wrote them down in notes that day or the day after type things. So that the difference is visuals. …those are topical. I’m having a hard time with my visuals.

<11:31>

Topical…I’m not sure that is the right word…uhhh…anyway…I’m….sigh…while I am doing all this ….I cooked something downstairs…I brought it up…some  soup. So I had that and before I taped…I taped the one before…when I said I was coming in here…so the other one. Uhhh…When I did that with the recorder, I wanted to try some things. It was on to the anguish of nothingness.  I’m really scared on this because…its…its…like I said, half my brain isn’t working. Once I get a topic going…once I started that very first one…got me all hyped up basically…uhm..so … I’m getting all this started because I talked to Nigel…when was that?   It is after midnight…it was Nigel yesterday…not counting that it just turned midnight, so that’s what spawned all this. At least I know my technical stuff is going. Those are two people that know me inside and out and know my history of all my history…things I’m doing in science and all that stuff. so I know it’s in me…I hope it’s in me, because it has been months since I’ve been talking with people…months…ahhh…It was mid-July when I left my girlfriend and we hadn’t spoken for a long time being together…we were just two different types…so I haven’t had any technical talk. On the projects….I talked to some people but it’s…it’s…ummm…like one of the locals out there in Pembrookshire…we talk boats and vessels because he is a boat builder…that is inspiring talk there, but it not this high-tech stuff…it is just chit-chatt, it is like over a coffee type thing. It wasn’t technical stuff…it was really just banter…and that was seldom…and few between…that was like month apart type stuff. I really hope that key is getting inspired talking technical…I really, really do. Ummm…My project area. It’s actually technical…it is problem solving. there we go, that sort of thing…problem solving multi-dimensional ones too.

…<Scott calms down>

<42:41>

I want to get to the point to where I can do the thinking without speaking it out. Cause obviously it will keep me awake…I can’t doze off to sleep when I have to verbally speak it. I used to do it in my head but…excuse me, presentations…and that be a learning technique. I don’t know if other people to do it but it sure helps out its kind of like you are forming your thoughts, so you get them correct before projecting them out to a group of people. It also makes it easier because I don’t have to worry about … if you are one on one you have to…you are forced to make sure they are following it. But if you have a group you aren’t forced to because some get it and some don’t. It helps in the understanding of are they getting it or not. That they … … I hate this…  …I don’t know if this is old age just creeping up on me…but it happened so quick, like I said…its a couple years It could be accelerated dementia or something like that, but I still in my heart say that it’s not, only because once I get going and talking I can calculate and recalculate and restructure sentence and you know events and stuff, in an animated way. It is just this going back and pulling out those parts…that used to be my acceleration, my powerful imaging system if you want to call it in computer terms.

<45:00>

It’s…I’m not saying I didn’t have some of these type things you know all my life. I’ve always stalled on words, but not this much…not this magnitude…not with this time lag. I usually recover almost instantly, or you know. Or I’d get …what I call a brain fart… where I get stuck on a single word, but not the concept doesn’t disappear, I guess a better term is. I’ve always had problems with the words, it’s the content flow. And I still do lose my thought on those, but not as much. Usually if I lose it I can recover in a certain way…either backing up and more or less trying again…but I do lose the flow…sometimes years ago. But lot more clipping tools. I learned over the years. Actually, the thing I’m describing, the void between words…that’s not my problem. I can handle this when I do that. At least I’m talking. It’s if I turn the microphone off and choose not to speak…it is clearly a void…clearly a void. There is zilch there…

…

<50:03>

So, in a way if I just want to be peaceful it is soothing. But if I want to engage my brain and I can’t. That’s the trap. That’s the … um…thing that is stopping this spontaneous. In fact, …that’s where it is really really bad…is why I can’t answer spontaneous questions. It is that spontaneous search for what next to do. It just hits that, and I cannot speak. I have to <stuttering garble…could be an example of what he thinks happens when he tries to talk>

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<52:00>

I remember the one time in town I walked out of the bank and I knew I didn’t want to go home, but at that point I went total blank to figure out what could I do. Not what should I do. Because I didn’t have anything more, other than I just didn’t want to go home.

I couldn’t think of anything…I just stood there. I couldn’t think of anything…yet I wanted to do something. You know…and…and productive. That’s the whole thing. I wanted to go for a walk, but not aimlessly. With purpose. It’s kind of like my life…I want to develop something and have purpose.  It’s almost a good parody … analogy…I always get those mixed up…<probably meant metaphor and analogy> and the… it was really difficult. It was embarrassing to myself. There is no one else there to see it…I’m just standing there, and they are walking by. It was just outside the bank and I just didn’t know…. that has happened a couple times…because I go to the bank to do a transfer or pay something off and stuff like, that and it’s like…while I am in town what else could I do. And that’s a spontaneous decision and it just didn’t work. Just doesn’t work. It just …it’s freaking me out, and It’s why it is also hard for me to make a decision because a decision in a way is a spontaneous event.

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<1:29:42>

I’m saying WE now because I would like to spawn a project that is a training manual for Aspies who haven’t figured out techniques. They have the capability. A lot of these techniques I’ve learned myself…a lot of them.

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I think it has been gradual. I know for a fact I had the void in the hospital there, but I’m not sure further back…like I said in one of these others. or with someone else, I can’t remember where. Again I talked to Andrew and Nigel over the past couple of days so it could have been with them…that…shit…don’t do this…don’t do this…shit…um…what was I talking about, what was I talking about…analogies…whine…um…every time I switch gears I have a potential of losing everything…ah……  long paused, sighing,,. I’m just not sure about my cognitive skills in this area…my visualizing I can’t do right now. Not very well. I’m hoping it starts to come back. I’m tired of staring at this void. And, I seem to be working around it. I’m being imaginative talking wise. I’m creative there. It’s working there, which I’m glad I decided to do this. I just don’t if my void stuff is age related or just needs stimulating or it is stress related and is shutting down because the body defending itself. I just don’t know and may have to come up with some other thinking on that.

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2:05:16

But I used to be able to recover better…and…so it’s…(pause)…it doesn’t take much now. (chuckle) It is amplified is what I was thinking. Where all of my little things that I had are now major stumbling blocks. And one area…like I said this void visual area…is totally gone. I …I can’t say how much…how weird that is. And I said before…again another thing I shouldn’t do…because I’m telling you that I’m telling you again, and I know I shouldn’t do that… is that the…when you can’t see the childhood  home…I used to be able to go through it all the time…this room and that room and that was on the mantle-piece, and ..the Christmas tree was  always in that corner and I can visualize that one with the star. I can do that talking …I can do it now actually. When I was talking to myself from a from a dead stop, where I’m not energized like this, I couldn’t do it. I have to get on a roll. I have to get this roll to do this. If I was sitting here for an hour, just trying to think, I would get to a plateau…or a bottom I might say…where I am only thinking a couple thoughts an hour you know…five ten an hour…and I can’t roll with them. It’s more just a singular thought. And it is freaking me out. And I can’t visualize…everything is a blob.

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2:08:34

I …it is just weird…it is just absolutely weird…and again I don’t know when this happened…how far back…because I can’t remember when it was a problem. When I first remembered the void stuff versus the thinking within the void…that’s two things.  When the void happened…I can’t remember when I remember the void if I had problems coming up with thinking visually, because I might not have been really wanting to think…so I don’t know. I just remember when I knew the void for sure…is that…when I did the google thing where I just sat there for hours and just sort of looked around the room and the TV is on and I didn’t look at it.

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2:50:46

So, it is just one big idea I have that hopefully is nice to know …that…my experiences maybe can help others. That’s what I am hoping for out of this project. And I’m not looking for any financial gain out of it if need be. I don’t really care. If I can fix my problem, I will help you guys. I really don’t know how I can move forward and be useful without fixing this void problem…this visual memory problem.

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2:56:17

So, there is a give and take on that. I’m getting rid of stress things that in the past would take a little of my day and think of things and task them. But again, I’ve never been good with administration things anyway, but it’s just really elevated right now… because I am isolated now. I used to have protective bubbles in the past. Again, do the analogy of the protective bubble…it is still a convenient thing. You are not in a fish bowl…you are in a bubble. I’m protected inside it, but I can still look out and see the whole world. The whole world is out there and the bubble floats, so I can go all over the place.

As an analogy I think it’s a pretty good…protective bubble…because it’s not a fixed location. You can travel the world as long as you have a structure.

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